Syl's Blog

Thoughts on Being in My 30s

I spent my teenage years feeling frustrated with my wildly swinging moods and unsure what I wanted to be in any given moment, let alone when I grew up. I went to my guidance counselor for help. She told me I was just immature.

My twenties were mostly a blur of bars, clubs, fleeting friendships, even more fleeting relationships, impulse purchases, and uncontrollable anger and fear.

In my thirties, I was finally diagnosed with bipolar I and OCD. I was fortunate to find a psychiatrist who understood every bit of what I'd been through and exactly how to treat it. Since I've been medicated, my life has been like a calm pond as opposed to the raging ocean tides it was before. Every now and then, a ripple will appear, but it's nothing I can't handle. I just let it flow outward until it dissipates. I'm not afraid of it anymore.

I'm almost not afraid of anything anymore.

I've gained weight. I'm heavier than I ever was in my twenties, but I feel light as a feather. My body has held me and protected me for all these years, through everything I've been through, and I want to hold it in kind. I exercise in the mornings, I go on walks on the weekends, and I try to drink as much water as I can. I care about being healthy, but I don't care about the way I look. I'm privileged in this body. I'm loved in this body.

Throughout most of my young life, I spent so much time within my own convoluted mind that I never settled on anything of substance. I have some talent when it comes to art and music, but I never honed either of them. I was interested in coding, but I never sat down long enough to build a website. I loved pastries, but I never really made them myself.

I'm taking time now. I've perfected and developed recipes. I've scheduled a vocal lesson. I'm learning web design. I know who I am and who I want to be. My life is no longer ruled by manic whims and depressive slogs. I'm not everything and I'm not nothing. I'm just me, and I'm willing to work on that.

Being in my thirties means going to concerts with my husband. It means playing soccer with my niece. It means seeing the world around me instead of the warped visions my mind once supplied. It means having the capacity to care.

Being in my thirties is pretty damn great.